no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
