I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
