The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
