I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
