She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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