I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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