i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I currently don't understand fingers.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
