rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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