So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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