Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
