I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
