Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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