Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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