remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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