i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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