I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize