You work out of a Hotel?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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