no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
