If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
