I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
