No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
