walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
