Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
