I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
im having a threesome with these popsicles
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
