i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
