this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
