Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
