He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
