i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
