I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
