I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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