she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Boobs are out for the taking
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
