John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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