Don't make out with my wife yet
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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