i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
