Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
