When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
