Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize