I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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