Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
