i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I think my vagina is haunted
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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