So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
