thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
