i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize