i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
