The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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