The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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