i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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