She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
