i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Randomize
