True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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