does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
