Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
