ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
