did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
