Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
