Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
