Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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